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Breaking News 7 November 2004


BUSH CANCELS AGREEMENT BETWEEN NOUN AND VERBS
'I Has a Mandate, and I Intends to Use it,' Says President
President George W. Bush announced the first major initiative of his
second term in office today, canceling the agreement between nouns and
verbs.

The president, who had been widely expected to announce a series of
faith-based initiatives, surprised Washington insiders by kicking off
his second term with a grammar-based one.

Mr. Bush left little doubt that he intended to consign the agreement
between nouns and verbs to the dustbin of history, telling reporters,
"I has a mandate, and I intends to use it."

In world capitals, heads of state responded with a mixture of shock
and dismay to the president's decision to back out of the noun-verb
agreement, long considered a cornerstone of human communication.

"It was one thing to back out of the Kyoto Protocol and the Geneva
Conventions, but if Mr. Bush intends to break the agreement between
nouns and verbs he is going it alone," said French president Jacques
Chirac.

But President Bush was quick to correct Mr. Chirac, responding, "I
think what my good friend Jacques Chirac means is, I 'are' going it
alone."

The president noted that his proposal had received a vote of
confidence from British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who earlier in the
day said, "He have my full support."

Mr. Bush went on to announce a series of other bold initiatives, such
as imposing a moratorium on complete sentences and eliminating the
letter "g" from the end of most words.

Elsewhere, the Pentagon announced that U.S. fighter jets missed a
target in southern Iraq today, strafing a middle school in New Jersey.

President Bush Outlaws Jogging

“Runner’s high” findings prompt new legislation.

New scientific evidence that joggers can experience a high that is similar to that provided by smoking a marijuana cigarette (source) has caused President Bush to institute emergency measures to counter what he has dubbed “sneaker madness”.

“I see these people every day, getting their cheap fixes in our parks, on our streets, and in our schools” the president said at an eleventh-hour news conference last night. “This situatation is simply unacceptable.”

Tough new measures including secret trials, extensive jail time and even retroactive punishment for proven chronic joggers have been swiftly and rigidly put into practice.

Mary McKeon from Albuquerque, New Mexico is just one of thousands of concerned Americans whose loved ones have disappeared. “He just never came home,” she said of her husband Bill, hours after his daily early-morning constitutional through their suburban neighborhood. “When he was in college, Bill was pudgy and pale, and he once told me he tried smoking pot. In the years since we were married, he took up jogging, and trimmed down quite a bit. I thought it was remarkable willpower, but now I know he did it because he was jonesing every day.”

The White House has released a warrant for the arrest of former President Clinton, whose lengthy jogging sessions were recorded in detail during his presidency.

“(President Clinton) may not have inhaled, but he sure huffed and puffed a lot,” said Attorney General John Ashcroft. “This kind of baldfaced depravity in a former president can only lead the children of America to experiment with even harder things like VersaClimber or, God forbid, even join those Eco-Challenge scumbags.”

Reuters, February 3, 2004